Emotional rollercoaster - hop on for a ride!

I am having a tough time dragging myself out of this valley - I don't think I have felt like this for a long, long, long time! What is up with me? I honestly feel like my title.....

I feel like crying and going back to bed! I can't though so that answer is out!

I went and joined Weight Watchers yesterday and I went and finally signed up for a 2 month session of Fit Express that a friend had given me last fall (thanks friend)! That was totally humiliating to finally go but at 6:30 a.m. this morning my butt was going through the door. I am sure the ladies there thought what the hell is she doing here but I did it! I had nightmares all night about going in (seriously I did) and then I dreamed I came out of there and lost my car? Go figure - I wonder what all that is supposed to interpret in to??? I was just amazing I did 1 time around the circle doing the equipment (god that was embarrassing) and then I walked on the treadmill for 2.5 minutes on the lowest speed - that is baadd! How in the world did I let myself get to this point? Why? I am excited about this but I am also very depressed at the same time and I am not quite sure how to pull myself all together and feel good about this trek! I got to want this for myself and it is so hard for me to be disciplined but I cannot afford to go on living the way I did 1.5 days ago...I am 41 and not so good! I mean I have lost out on a lot in life with my weight and I want to be so done with that! People think they get treated badly by different skin tones but trying being overweight - you are treated differently in most all aspects of life! I want to do things my weight has held me back from doing, currently I can hardly make it through a shopping trip at Wal-Mart let alone the all dayers my friends and I used to pull off in Spokane....I want that back again! The ability to do that!

I don't know maybe I am having a "major" pitty party for me and no one wants to come aboard and help me feel sorry for me but then I don't think that because I am really doing some deep searches in my mind and heart and trying to find happiness because I don't feel happy inside and I want to experience happiness inside. Where did I lose it and when did I lose that? I want it back people! I am fighing for it, WHERE DID IT GO?

On the flip side, do you know what 150 green and teal eyelits look like scattered all over the floor? Daisy Dog decided she would tip my scrap tote off the chair yesterday and spilled my eyelets all over....I thought I was going to cry but I didn't, a friend heard all the choice words spewing from my mouth at the dog and the situation! Daisy should have been named "NOSEY ROSIE". She has no interest in scrapbooking but yet she was nosing in my bag of tricks! She is lying low today so far, either she is feeling bad for what she did yesterday (I highly doubt) or she is sleeping in this a.m. just to let me know who is in control here in this house!

okay so that is the update on me and MY NOT so HAPPY life - okay, that was a joke!

I want SUNSHINE or SNOW - none of this gray sky stuff!


l/.