I've been thinking......

I have been on a vacation from blogging - long story but I am back!

The weekend was a hoot - I got to play with some friends Saturday morning and then Saturday night we had a Valentine Party to go to. I almost won the Bunco games but was tied with another glamorous gal so we had a roll off and she got a 10 and I got a 9 - so goes the way the dice falls! I was happy for her though! Had a good time laughing with friends and harassing the people I knew at the party....so good to let myself out once in awhile! I even managed a trip to Joanne Fabrics on Saturday too.

I have been visiting the past a lot the last month, thinking and remembering and trying to reason why I am the way I am......

On February 11th it will be 11 years since I had to have emergency surgery. I was hemorrhaging and was told by the "practicing" surgeon who did my surgery I had had a miscarriage only to find out 10 days later I had cancer and then about a week after that to have a total hysterectomy and removal of my tubes/ovaries thus axing the chance at ever bearing my own child. The bottom had fell out of my world that day when I was told I had cancer. Actually I read it off the path report myself and handled it okay for about 10 minutes and then I ended up spending 1.5 hours in the assistant administrator's office (which she gladly entitled me to) with my girlfriend....sobbing, cussing, crying, wondering why, if I would die. You see my whole life, like almost every girl, I wanted babies....babies to raise and care for and love on and laugh with. It was my dream, to marry, have children and grow old together! How could this happen? It hurt like hell and still does....not every second, minute & hour like it used to but it still hurts! That was my initial hurt & worry and then I had to face the cancer and realizing that I could die....people DIE from cancer...I laid awake in bed night after night pleading for my life to God, hoping that I would not die. Panic set in then....I couldn't breath from crying so much, why me? The day arrived for the big surgery....I still remember the details, walking into the hospital that cold morning and finding my hospital room decorated with things from my friends. Getting ready for the surgery - people who were there were worried and hurting for me and I was trying to be the upbeat one even though I was scared shitless.....how could this be happening to me at 32 years of age? How? Why me? Being wheeled back to surgery and lying on the gurney in line for the anesthetist to place the IV and get me relaxed....I remember the nurses in the hall talking about being pregnant and I was okay with that but I was thinking that they really should be more sensitive to what their patients may be going through. It was comforting to have people working on me that I knew - most people would be freaked but I was comfortable knowing that I personally knew the anesthetist and he truly was there for me, the surgeon was rooting for me, the nurses were rooting for me. that was good - that is what a friend is. They touched my life just knowing they cared. After surgery I remember not wanting to be told how advanced the surgery was - I was so scared. what if it had metastasized to other parts of my body? The doctor told us that the cancer was further along than he expected and I remember wondering what that meant? I remember my mom coming with my dog and sneaking her through the window of my room - that meant so much to me just to see and hold my Penny dog and love on her and she was so excited to see me, that helped my hurting heart. I remember how scared I was because friends would come and just stand in my room with no words and I thought for sure I was on my way out and dying by the way they just stood in the room nervously not knowing WHAT exactly to say. My room was lined from wall to wall with flowers....it meant so much but again I knew it must be bad if all these people sent flowers and cards - I must be dying. I remember a friend who is a nurse coming to my room because I was unable to sleep no matter how much sleeping medication they gave me I laid awake all night, all day, freaked out - not crying, not talking, just spaced...anyhow, my friend the nurse did Reiki with me and it was the most relaxation I had had in weeks....it was an awesome feeling....God was there and I knew it.

It took me a week to look at my discharge papers to see how advanced my cancer was. The plan was, after consultation with physicians out of this area and in much larger institutions, for 5.5 weeks of radiation treatment. That was a very draining experience also. It left lifelong reminders of my cancer war and my treatment. I can laugh and joke about it now but going through the radiation was very tiring and draining. I spent my time in the lead room on the lead table with the radiation praying a lot, trying to let my anger go. I wasn't freaked at being in the room alone. I just tried to pray a lot and pray that the treatment would do what it needed to do to save my life!

I just felt like I needed to write this out for my own self....it may be all nothingness to everyone else but I had to celebrate an almost 11 year victory over cancer. It was the worst time in my life truly. There are not many things that can drag you that low, I realize there are a few other things that can take you down but that has to be one of them.

This post isn't meant to be depressing - I just wanted to revisit and express my feelings on my blog.

It is just so many little things trip me up sometimes and I want to be sooo done with that stuff - life is just to damn short to cry over the crap that gets thrown at you for whatever reason. I love the people in my life who can forgive me for my shortcomings and not hold on to my failures and point fingers....that is what makes a family & friends true.

I am happy and very excited about life - I am ready to turn on my life and start living it for real! I am upbeat, have some exciting things going on with me personally.