2 days of normalcy - sort of....

Well the kid has been back to school now for nearly two days now. I am happy that he is feeling well enough to go back and I am happy that I now have my home/office back to "normal" - where I feel like I can accomplish what I am supposed to in a day! There are drawbacks to working at home that is for sure! I almost went into anxiety/panic mode on Monday during the day when he was demanding time from me, I had already had to take time off to pick him up from school and then I wasn't feeling I was getting done the amount of work I needed to! WOW - it was not fun!

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. I thought I was safe - I mean this doctor usually doesn't give me the big drawn out speech about "HOW I NEED to lose WeIgHt" but as luck would have it...he did yesterday! I wonder sometimes if people don't think that I don't recognize that I am overweight (do I look stupid along with being obese?)....do people think I went to bed last night thin and woke up this morning fat, that somehow during the night I was overcome with fat cells by the "FAT FAIRY" or what? I mean seriously? I want to say "SHUT YOUR MOUTH and listen" because he didn't appear to be particularly interested in the fact that I was telling him that I had joined a weight loss program and Fit Express and had been exercising 4-5 times a week and learning to eat right.....nope, he didn't hear me, because he went on to say that he only eats one meal a day because if he ate more than that he would gain weight or have to ride his bike a ton more miles. Well, Sorry but the one meal a day thing isn't going to work for me! He lost me in the conversation and guess what? I lost him too! I wanted to put my hand up and say "you're talking to the hand"! At least when I left his office I didn't go home or go out and splurge! I really am trying and it depresses me when people don't listen or won't listen! Oh, he even gave me a prescription for 2 weeks of an appetite suppressant - like that ISN'T MY PROBLEM - hellooooo, I don't eat because I am HUNGRY - I eat because I like the taste of food - give me a pill that makes ALL food taste like CRAP and maybe it would be of some help!

You know I have been thinking this eating "right" thing through for a few years now...because I have failed at other things! I wasn't ready until when I finally started, I knew I wasn't ready, my heart/mind were not ready for the dedication I knew it was going to take!

I have considered gastric bypass and the gastric banding but for whatever reason in my brain it just doesn't make sense that if I go have either procedure that my brain is going to change its awful habits.

I believe that I need to mentally work on this and physically make a change using my GUTS and PERSONAL STRENGTH! It is harder than hell to do this but I know mentally I need to think about things and try to change my thinking and actions by suffering through this day by day! Maybe somehow through this I will gain some self-esteem and self-worth for me! It would be a quick fix to go have surgery - I mean "YES" I would love to go have surgery and in a year or 18 months be MICRO thin but how long will it last? It doesn't make sense - they cut me or band me so I can't eat as much at one time but I can still inhale high caloric foods throughout the day - maybe not all at once but it can be done! If it worked for others - great - I am happy for you and if you want to have it done GREAT - I wish you the best but I know I don't want to do this just yet! Going under anesthesia isn't a favorite thing of mine to do either!

I want to be healthier mentally and physically and I am trying to gain this!

So if you can't be supporting of this endeavor and want to listen to my accomplishments/trials with this trek then "SHUT YOUR MOUTH" because I have probably already tuned you out but you probably won't know it because I will put on my "LOOK INTERESTED" face and be daydreaming about something else!



I had to BLOW some steam people! I feel better already!